Defeated and dismal

I feel defeated. I replied to a post on another mom's WS blog and realized how defeated I feel. I look for Him, I really do, but this shadow of doubt and gloom overtakes my focus. This past weekend was a whirlwind with both the girl's birthday parties, new puppy, family in town and afterwards I found myself disconnected, anxious and depressed. Why? Why the hell not? I question myself for every little )$&@^thing I do or think. I doubt the decisions I make. Is it good for my family, for Ava for Lila for John. Screw me. I feel angry, annoyed, restricted, frustrated, sad, defensive and ON and ON. It is scary to think "Is this the rest of my life?" If it is I want to check out please. One one way ticket please, to where? I really don't give a crap or care. Tibet? Galapogos Islands? Sahara? it really dosen't matter. I am tired of running around like a chicken without a head, mind continually whirling (ok in the dislocated head) and going through the motions of a so called normal life. I feel alone. Alone in a sea of people. Good people, people that love me; family and friends. Does anyone really understand this? Most likely not and I wouldn't want to put anyone in this pit (ok maybe one person but that is a whole other story)

Guilt it comes on thick when I rant like this. Confusion and pain too they make a threesome. Denial? nope I don't have a problem with it, I don't deny that I think I suck at this so called parenting job. Would it be any better if I didn't have a disabled child? nah. I am confident I would still be in this hot cloudy bubble of self doubt. Some would scream "Girl get yourself to your therapist!" and I should but there is a lot of crap I should do. Wallowing .......I guess is what you do before you actually drown. HHmmm doesn't feel so bad once you get numb.

The great thing thing about this blogging is that it is alot like therapy without the bill. Of course many people will think "basketcase" or whatever, but I really don't care. Speaking of therapy many years before I even had children I purposly went to therapy because I didn't want to be battling with issues once I had children. Apparently that was a waste of good money, how ironic. Boy what a screwed up mess. Well if history repeats itself Ava and Lila will be in therapy and writing their rants for all to see and judge. Its makes me want to sob, and no one can change that. I know this. When I younger I always felt I was on the outside looking in, always seen as seperate and stoic. When in actuality I was a hard chocolate shell with a fast disolving and swirling center. Always two sides to me and I never completely firmed up. Who am I really? Guess I should have figured that out before I became a wife, then a mother huh. Tough shit Tes, now I have gotten myself in this life of encouraging children and guiding them to their true destination? Hell if you asked me right now, "what do you want to be when you finally grow up?", I still would tell you "I don't have a frickin clue!"

Aaahh this is going on way to long and getting all jumbled up. I am going to stop now. I've got a lot of looking for Him to do, I think I really need Him............ obviously.